I’ve always thought Mothers were at the top of life’s hierarchy. I used to feel like there was this exclusive “Mom Club” that I wasn’t allowed into. Since I was a little girl I’ve always helped support moms, starting with my own in helping raise my little sister, then babysitting other kids, becoming a day care teacher, a live-in nanny, friend of many Mom friends and coworkers, being a villager in their kid’s village. I got a really good sense of what it was like to take care of children. I studied parenting, teaching, first aid, etc. But when it came down to it I didn’t really know what it was like to have the responsibility of being a mother 24/7, which I could only imagine was super hard but what I wanted more than anything.
What’s interesting is that even though I’ve seen so many varieties of birth stories, parenting, and home life, I still had some judgements of what being a good mother was, starting with the birth.
It wasn’t until last week when I found out that my little baby is in breech position and a c-section actually became an option for me did I realize these unconscious judgements. I thought by working with a midwife, planning an all natural home birth, that I was doing “all the right things” and that I would be giving my baby and me the best start to this new life I could. I never thought a c-section was an option for me. Sounds super silly since 1 in 3 births are from c-sections. I had these thoughts that I was going to be super conscious in my parenting starting with my pregnancy and how I gave birth, that I wouldn’t let the medical industry or a hospital push me around and tell me what to do…I had this sense of control. A false sense as it turns out.
This past week I’ve let these unconscious judgements come up and out. I looked at them square in the face and accepted myself and this situation as it is. I am choosing to let go of how I think a Mom should be/act/give birth, the negative thoughts about what the medical industry does and that a hospital isn’t safe for us.
So, we are scheduled for c-section this coming Wednesday and I’m opening my heart and mind to whatever needs to happen to ensure health for both of us coming out of the hospital. At the end of the day, birth is just one little blip on the parenthood radar and soon enough Chris and I will be deep into the weeds of everyday life with a new baby and it won’t really matter how it all came to be.
From now on, I’m going to remind myself of this lesson, that we are only in control of so much and I need to loosen my grip on the false sense that I can control every aspect of my life. That I can take action towards what I want while knowing that life has variables that I could never predict, and that’s okay. I can ride the wave in peace, calm, and clarity, instead of arguing with reality in stress, anxiety or fear.
I’m realizing that this is only the very beginning of parenthood and all of its surprises. I’m open to all of it.
So, here’s to my last few days of pregnancy! I’m so excited to meet this little (stubborn) guy and to finally gain membership into the “Mom Club”, a group of regular humans all trying to figure it out every day just like everyone else….but a bit more badass. 😉