Half Light, Half Darkness

I was thinking about how I’m so ready for cold weather which lead me to remember this past Christmas that I spent in Colorado, and how with the cold comes dry skin and sniffles. Why do I want the cold weather so badly when I hated how my skin was after a day of skiing? I miss the thrill of being so cold and the getting warm afterwards. Do you know what I mean?

Then it got me thinking about how we will lay out by the pool in July, getting super hot and sweaty so that when we dip into the pool it’s even more exhilaratingly cold.

It’s not that I so much enjoy being hot or cold but it’s the thrill of the relief of each. As much as I think I would love to live in 75 and sunny every day, I know it would get kinda boring without any variety. The cool breeze and warm sunshine wouldn’t be as amazing if there weren’t any cold and rainy days. 

What if this is like how in life we experience some super sadness as well has the highest bliss? We can’t have one without the other. Life will never be 100% sadness or 100% bliss. It’s balanced by each other like yin and yang, dark and light, Winter and Summer. Where we add onto the dark half with more suffering is when we think we should have 100% bliss. When we think we shouldn’t experience pain, sadness, anxiety, grief, loneliness. When we try to protect ourselves and our loved ones from ever hurting or feeling scared. It makes sense that our brains would tell us to protect ourselves and stay alive, of course, but in order to evolve we must push past our comfort level. In order to experience the light we have to know what darkness is.

I think about how my mom used to describe giving birth to me. Her eyes would light up. She says she can remember the pain so vividly and how when you’re in labor the pain makes you think you’re going to die but as soon as the baby comes, not only does the pain just go away but there’s this surge of joy never experienced before. For her, the pain is worth it and she would do it over and over to be able to experience the joy of her daughters.

It’s hard to see so much pain in the world. It breaks my heart into a million pieces when I see homelessness, hunger, illness, disease, murder, but I know it’s all part of it. I can act from a place of love and compassion to help and be a part of the solution but it will serve no one if I act from a place of scarcity, fear, anger and anxiety, thinking “this should never happen.”

You might be thinking, “How could she say that? Does that mean murder SHOULD happen!?”

Of course not. I would never wish for evil things to happen…I just know that they will. Me saying they should not happen does not stop them from happening. So my sadness is for the thing that happened but not for sadness itself. I don’t want to add onto the pain with more grief and despair for the world. I acknowledge and grieve for what’s happening AND continue to believe the world is full of beauty and wonder as well. Otherwise, being such a sensitive empathic person, I will fall into a pit of darkness. It’s way too easy for me to go down that road so I continue to look for the light. Where’s the beauty? Where’s the joy? I want to live fully and authentically and that comes with both sides of the coin, both extremes of emotion and everything in between.

I am sending love and light to the world today and every day. My hope is that you can take the time to grieve any loss you’re experiencing, move through the pain, and then turn your face up towards the light of the world, whatever that looks like for you, however long it takes. 

Love, love, love.